I’m
a lady, and I’m in my twenties (just barely). During the last year, I have come
into my own in regards to feminism. I have become, at times, hyperconscious of
the way that women are portrayed in the media, the way that women are treated
in society, and things that are so ingrained into our brains by a
male-dominated society that it’s hard to even notice that they’re there
sometimes. All of this, paired with my daily perusal of blogs written by
incredible, intelligent, and powerful feminists, has led me to one conclusion:
being a feminist is hard.
Now,
okay, back it up for a second. Let me make one thing clear: it’s not hard to be
a feminist. Really all that’s required of you is the belief that women deserve
to be treated the same way that men are, and should not be degraded in society
or the media. Pretty basic stuff, right? I get the feeling that a lot more
people would consider themselves feminists if they knew that was all you had to
do. The thing is, being a feminist will make your life harder. At least, it
makes mine that way. So many things that I have lived with every day for the
last twenty years suddenly upset me and make me conscious of the fact that men
have an effect on almost every aspect of my daily life.
I
currently work in a children’s clothing store, and something that I do a
million times a day is greet customers. As soon as someone walks into the
store, I acknowledge them and ask if I can help them. Think about this: what
did you say the last time you walked up to a group of your friends at a party?
In all likelihood, you said, “Hey guys, what’s up?” I suddenly became aware
that the greeting I had been using since I have been working in retail (six
years!) is sexist! “Hi, how are you guys doing?” Using a word that describes
men to greet a group of people, regardless of their gender, is a product of
growing up in a male dominant society that most people do every day without
even thinking about. Think about the looks you would get if you greeted a group
of men with “Hi, how are you ladies doing?” It would be weird, right? But we
feel totally comfortable regarding a group of women as “guys” as a part of our
greeting. This was one of the hardest
things for me to change. At first, I felt awkward saying things like, “Hi folks,”
or, “How are you two doing today?” After a few days, it got easier, and now I
only occasionally catch myself using “guys.”
Do
you see how small things like that, things that we don’t even think about, are
affected by a male-dominated society? Becoming an active feminist changed the
way that I greet people. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but acknowledging that
that sort of thing is a problem is something that I am proud of myself for
doing, and it’s small things like that that can help you become a more
conscious feminist.
Some
things I have learned flat out didn’t make sense to me before, but after
reading and thinking more about them, they seem painfully obvious.
From
the time I was old enough to know that pornography existed, I have been under
the impression that it’s inherently anti-women. That point can definitely be
argued, because I think there is a lot of pornography that portrays violence
against women that more than likely has been a contributor to what a lot of
people call the “rape culture” that we live in. However, I don’t believe that
all pornography is like that.
I
recently watched an interview that Tyra Banks did with a porn star named Sasha
Grey. Besides the other issues that I have with Tyra Banks, after forming a new
opinion on pornography, I took issue with the way that she treated Sasha. Sasha
wanted to become a porn star. Sasha says in the interview that she feels that
what she does is empowering and that she enjoys doing it. To Sasha, I say, you
go girl. I have made very different choices in regards to my sex life than
Sasha has, but you know what is great about feminism? It’s all about a
community of people respecting the choices that women make, be it in regards to
their jobs or their sexual partners, because men are given freedom to make any
decisions they want about their sex life.
The
reason I took issue with the way that Tyra chose to conduct this interview was
that she seemed to be under the impression that there must be something wrong
with Sasha, or something traumatic that happened to her that made her want to
be a porn star. Basically, she implied, not very subtly, that there must be
something wrong with Sasha that would make her want to be this free and
expressive with her sexuality, and that bothered me.
Sasha,
in everything that I had read about her, seems to be very open about the fact
that she enjoys doing pornography, but this is unbelievable for Tyra. A woman
like Tyra Banks could have so much positive influence on this matter. I know
that she has had an influence on the way that the media views big women,
because she is one herself. She should be sending the message that women should
be comfortable with their sexuality, and should feel comfortable expressing it.
What she’s actually saying to the people watching her show is that women
shouldn’t want to openly display or express their sexuality, and that there
must be something wrong with Sasha because she is in a career in pornography
that she enjoys.
I
could rant for a long time about why I don’t like Tyra banks, but I digress.
The point is, if I had watched this interview last year I would have thought to
myself, “What a sad life, this young girl has been forced into doing porn and
even says she likes it! She must have been molested by her dad.” But when I
watched it tonight, I thought to myself, “Good for her. Also, why doesn’t Tyra
Banks try being supportive of a girl who was willing to come on tv and talk
about her career in porn, even though she knew she was probably going to be
treated like this, instead of trying to make her feel bad for liking sex?”
When
we tell women that they are wrong for being sexual in the way they choose to
be, whether it be abstinence or working in pornography, we are supporting a
society in which women are oppressed. As women, we need to support the
decisions that others make. Granted, there are times when a woman’s sexual activities
can be indicative of emotional or mental problems that she is having, but this
is only as common, I believe, as women using drugs or alcohol in excess, and
should be treated in the same way that either of those are treated; I also
think it’s just as common in men. It seems to me that a lot of women who are promiscuous
are seen as either victims or sluts; people think there is something wrong with
them that would make them want to have sex. I think that people can use sex as
a coping mechanism at times, and that people who are molested are probably
prone to having an unhealthy attitude towards sex later in life, or feeling
that sex is the best way to make themselves feel better or to make people love
them. It happens, but the point is, men do it too, and this isn’t an
exclusively female phenomenon.
Men with sexual appetites
are regarded by society as normal, and women with sexual appetites shouldn’t be
seen any differently. They shouldn’t be pitied, or asked if they were molested
when they were younger. In all honesty they shouldn’t be asked about it at all,
because frankly, it’s none of your business. The best way that we can help
women who have been sexually assaulted isn’t to assume that they’re sexually
active because of it, and deem every woman who likes having sex as mentally
ill; the best way to help women who have been sexually assaulted is to let them
know that it wasn’t their fault that it happened to them, and that there are
plenty of resources available to them.
Do you see that?
Two pages about an interview Tyra Banks did with a porn star. I never would
have been able to do that a year ago! Being an active and involved feminist has
given me an almost constant inner monologue about my feelings about any given
thing happening around me.
I think for a lot
of people, it’s easy to see why some movies, television shows, commercials, or
advertising campaigns shed a bad light on women, but I think there are a lot of
things in the media that are a lot more subtle that slip past us because it’s
not explicit, like having a gratuitous rape scene in a movie or a character with
obvious issues towards women, and because it can actually be sort of entertaining,
so long as it doesn’t bother you that it’s saying something bad about women.
One of the best
shows I can think of to illustrate this point is the tv show Whitney. It
illustrates my point so well because Whitney is a really funny show sometimes.
A lot of the jokes on it are really funny, and the main character, Whitney, is
an outspoken and funny lady, which I love. The problem with the show is that if
you are paying attention, almost every episode, the plot is driven forward by
problems created by Whitney. And not just Whitney getting herself into awkward
situations, or dealing with problems created by people she has surrounded
herself with, but problems that Whitney creates by being the “annoying
girlfriend” archetype.
Episode after
episode, Whitney irritates her boyfriend into doing something she wants him to,
like taking her out on a date, or taking her to play racquetball, for some
ridiculous reason, like she doesn’t feel like their relationship is enough like
everyone else’s, or she is upset that he never told her he played racquetball before
they started dating. I even get annoyed with her when I watch the show, and I
am a fan of hers and a staunch supporter of women who have lead roles!
The thing that I think
bothers me is that while the premise of any tv show is the characters handing
of problems that come their way, and all of the problems that seem to come
Whitney and Alex’s (her boyfriend) way are caused by her. This bothers me
because while I realize that this is a completely fictional dramatization of
most relationships, there are men, and even women, out there watching Whitney,
thinking to themselves, “God, women do really do this whenever they are in
relationships.” The show is perpetuating the idea that women are bad at
relationships, and that their personalities are something that men have to “deal”
with in relationships with them.
Things like
Whitney are something that I haven’t totally figure out yet, much like rap
music and revealing clothing; while there are ideas and opinions out there about
these thing held by incredibly intelligent women, who are much more experienced
and savvy in the ways of feminism than I, that I can understand and even
appreciate, I can’t bring myself to totally be against these things. They’re just
a few of the things that I’m still trying to apply my new feminist mind set to.
I’m working on it, every day, and I would encourage you to do the same. The
belief that women should be treated the same as men is something that can
enrich many aspects of your life. Even
if you still watch that movie you know your favorite feminist blogger would
cringe at, or still bump hip hop in your car because you like dancing to it, my
belief is that as long as you are conscious of the implications of the way that
women are treated and presented in the media and in society, you are on the
road to becoming a more conscious and active person in the feminist community,
and I think that’s a pretty good thing.
It can be
intimidating to become part of a movement so populated by incredible women as
feminism, and it can be hard, picking apart every part of your daily life and
realizing that even though you’ve always been proud of your lady-hood, you’ve
also been blind to a lot of the discrimination that has been going on around
you. Being a feminist is hard, but in my opinion, it is more than worth is.
I love being a feminist. I think with things like Whitney, being conscious of its unfeminist ways is the most important part. All the time I'm telling Shelley about a movie or a song, and as I describe it out loud, I find myself making continuous segues as to why it's inherently unfeminist. She always reminds me it's okay to like something that's not perfectly feminist as long as your aware of its implications. I believe the level to which a feminist gets offended by a movie, song, or whatever, has more to do with their background then it does the unfeminist ways of the material. Someone who's been raped is far more inclined to not handle rape scenes. Things like rape and racism make me sick to my stomach while things like queer and trans jokes are taken with a grain of salt. Tracking it's imperfections is half the battle.
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